Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something that I didn’t do.
Mother: That’s very bad of your teacher. What was it that you didn’t do?
Girl: The homework.
Q: Is Google male or female?A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?” He texts back, “I Don’t Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.” The mom texts him, “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister, love you too